Of passing on

Death has occupied my mind a lot lately.

Actually, I have been ruminating about dying at some point every day for the past 2 weeks, not in a morbid way, but more in an "Am I ready? Is there any unfinished business? How would I want to be remembered?" way, which I guess is constructive. At least, to a point.

What's not is, allowing myself to be tortured by the fear of leaving some people behind. As a new believer, I must draw the line of evaluation there. I can't give in to this distressing hand-wringing. For reasons of my own, I have been reading the Bible for the last couple of weeks.

I have always believed death will be like that dreadful moment of suspension. I cant stop but think about the unique relationship of a trapeze team. When the swinger lets go of his bar and hangs in mid-air for a split second, he has no protection. He cannot see his catcher nor control the catcher's speed or method. But at just the right moment, the swinger's "savior" arrives and whisks him to the base.

In other words, we will not be left hanging for one moment because to let go here makes us present there.

There is one particular place where Paul says, "When you sow a seed, it must die in the ground before it can live and grow. And when you sow it, it does not have the same body it will have later. What you sow is only a bare seed, maybe wheat or something else. But God gives it a body that he has planned for it".

The key phrase is: "that he has planned for it." As the story of our life unfolds, we are safe in the strong hands of our savior and "catcher" who has planned for us to be with Him forever. Nothing can pry us from his loving grip.

But for the more Am I ready? Is there any unfinished business parts - there was this song by Seals & Crofts that my cousin sister gave me years ago that I have on looped play.

windflowers, my father told me not to go near them
he said he feared them always and he told me that they carried him away

windflowers, beautiful windflowers
i couldn't wait to touch them,
to smell them i held them closely
and now i cannot break away
their sweet bouquet disappears
like the vapor in the desert
so take a warning

windflowers, ancient windflowers
their beauty captures every young dreamer who lingers near them
but ancient windflowers, i love you

World falls down

I woke to the clock, it was five thirteen
it feels so far from where I've been.
I look around and check under the sheets
fleeting joy and then the energy depletes.
I see the bag and the clothes strewn around too
have the flowers, everything but you.
Broke the chocolates, made a smiling face
I hate it in this sordid place.
I stare and wish upon the spots on the mirror
that things weren't so and you'll walk through the door

Called my mom, she was out for a walk
comforted a cup of coffee but it didn't talk.
Looked through the paper, felt more bruised
more hearts being broken and people being used.
Sat at home in the pouring rain
saw a movie it brought back the pain.
Because it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you so bad.

Picked up a light and then threw it down
I know you hate it when I make you frown.
Took the roses and stood in the rain
wasted your summer prayers in vain.
Picked your book up, thought I heard your sound
took a deep breath and a good look around.
Sleep walked the day till I moved to the bed
think I'm half alive but maybe I'm dead.
I cry and tell myself it'll be all right
maybe I should just think more of you tonight.

I'll go about my business, I wont do fine
I don't know what I'd say if I had you on line.
Same old story, not much to say
I've broken your heart almost every day.

And I sit in regret till the day is gone
for all the black things I have done.
The gods will have mercy, they are the blessed
as I squirm in the misery that I have wronged.
In dreams till my death I will wonder on
and wait for you there like a stone, alone.