Melancholic thoughts before the lights go out

It’s a melancholic Thursday. Hell, it’s been a melancholic week. I’m reminded daily of how blessed I am, but it doesn’t make it any easier to get past some of the emotional junk that creeps up on me when I’m not looking.

I do feel more organized though. Last night I skipped out on bingeing and general television to do those bills and straighten up the territory a little. It’s amazing to me that I have been in my current role for almost six months now. But there are still pockets of unattended crap sitting around, which obviously means I still have way too much stuff to do. I’ve slowly pulled away from the commitment to live simply and the conviction to turn back towards that casual lifestyle is growing stronger by the day. I have lived a lifestyle of plenty and can easily afford to give up many of the objects and wants I have so easily elevated to a status of need and possibly even worship.

My heart is pretty torn right now with thoughts of my second cousin. A good kid. Loved his mom. Went to college. Kept at the studies. Had grand plans. Kept the world turning.

He's now in a coma after a road accident. Been 5 days now. And I know that his parents have struggled for the past few days with his health, but being confronted with the reality of death is always a sobering thought. The most recent news is not positive, and I know that at any point I might receive that call from my dad with news.

I only got to know of the entire incident when I got back from Delhi on Monday. When I found out that his mom was at the hospital fighting back tears, I headed straight for the hospital from the airport. Strong, resolute woman. I keep wondering if I should head home now to be with her, but part of me has hope that her son is going to pull through just like she has in the past. However, listening to news that his health is steadily deteriorating over sporadic phone calls has been heartbreaking, and watching their will to fight the inevitable has just compounded to make my heart heavy every time I close my eyes.

Yeah.... Good night to you too.

Travails of the misconstrued traveller

The company decided that i spend too much time on the road... And what with all this talk of profitability I shouldn't take the driver along every time... (Also they know what a sweet driver I am). So they actually let me pick a car for my trips this week. And what do i do, choose a beat up maruti gypsy thats seen some thousand miles too many. This offroader must have been a sweet set of wheels in its time. But its been around a few too many potholes a few too many times. And whoever owned it obviously didn't indulge in luxuries like the occasional tune-up or oil change. The engine jerks and farts like an old man on a bad diet. The steering mechanism's got terminal arthritis. The suspension makes every bump an adventure. But all the same, this was the first time I got to drive a jeep/mobile whatever. I wasnt gonna let up on that.

So here I am, made it all the way to Denkanikottai on a left rear tyre that is as soft as a rotten banana and if thats a slow leak I'm good and screwed. I had to chuck the spare tyre to make room for all the neatly stacked up POP stuff we packed into the back. Every time I start it up I find myself wishing that this dear old girl can make it all the way to third gear without shaking the teeth out of my gums and that it could carry me another twenty yards without the carbeurator kicking out a fat one. So with 800 kms on the road this week so far, and the same to go, this hallowed trip seems to be losing its sheen. Also I've to make it home for the weekend.

Still may I proffer a truncated version of my trip to lands dusty and dry?

It was dusty, dry (maybe you already got that), hot, fast, slow, fattening, slimming, humid, wet, salty, vegetarian, fishy, meaty, colourful, hairy, large, larger, small, frictional, factional, stark, modern, ancient, and everything in-between; and we experienced friendship, suspicion, brotherhood, sisterhood, fraternity, fraternizing sexuality, happy, boisterous Nadars, strutting, drunk Devars, and tanned, perfumed Mals, honesty, swindlers, embraces, gambling, a knife or two, goats, beggars, kal dosais, yera and pura, traffic jams on half deserted roads, high-speed buses and bad drivers in the dead of night, visions of God, spice, no sleep, insomnia, more insomnia, skin, clothes, corals selling in the markets, fish, fowl, war, the threat of war, retaliation, reconciliation, olive branches, freshly cleaned socks, and hot coffee.

Sums it up, I guess. For details, call. Nobody calls me.

Clueless as me

That little thing my sis is propping up is my lil niece and the following what she had to tell me.


What's those? My feet? That’s nice. And that? My bottoms? That’s nice. Look, there’s my middle. That’s nice. I’ll call it a “no-mack”. No, no, that’s not nice. I know, I’ll call it a “stomach”. Yes, that’s nice.

Oh, my finger is in my mouth. Yo, yum. Very nice. Does the next finger taste as good as the first finger? Why, yes, yes indeed. Very pleasant. Now let me try the whole hand... Yumm.. Even better.. okay this hurts...

 And there’s Uncle. He’s nice. Behind him is a light, small and round, looking over him, over his, his..... “shoulder.” Shoulders are nice. They protect and they support. Also I can pivot myself on it.

I’ll call the ball a “bulb.” Yes, that’s very nice. Very nice. I want the bulb. Let me reach for it and maybe I can refract the light from my nails… wait, is there a nail on each finger? And why did I call them “nails?”. Oh well, that works. Wow, there’s one on each finger. But on each hand? Wow. Brilliant. How nice. And on my big finger, too? Yes, there it is. I’ll call it a “thumb”. Is there a big finger on the other hand, too? Aha, there is. And they move too! Wow. How nice.

Look, a dust speck. And another. It’s floating over the many intricate tapestries of the space time continuum. Lets stare at them. Pretty specks.. Lots of specks. And there’s my stomach again. Hmmm…. There’s my feet. Hey, Uncle’s feet. I’ll eat them. Ummmm, very nice. I’m tired of eating. I think I’ll “votit”…. No, “bomit”…. No, er…. I got it! I’ll “belch” on his feet.

Ah! Very nice. No, where was I? Oh yes, the bulb. Wait, there’s the floor! And its tiled. What a nice color. Are there any more? Hmm, yes there are. And there’s mommy. Maybe I can eat her feet. Wow, look at that paper….. it has a nice design. Does my butt have nice designs? Mommy must think so, she spends so much time putting the paper on it.

That’s nice. Oh, my rattle toy. Sounds are nice. Colors are nice. And uncle's reaching for me! Breathe hard, Anya! Wave your arms and pump your legs. Give him that half-tooth goofy grin! He’s taking me, I’m rising. Oh, look there’s a dust mote on his nose. Wow. He’s squeezing me. Ah…….. how nice!

Of Marxist equalisers and bingeing

The room was still spinning when I woke up, and I couldn't find that third saridon tablet I'd thought to lay out...you know...just in case. I drank last night. Much more than I needed.... Ok it was worth it, in the end I had a good time with good people. Today would have been perfect if I could have stayed on the couch all day, but now it's time to mentally gear up for going back to work. And the breakfast I just ate really sucked.

Am I an alcoholic you might ask? No, absolutely not. Alcoholics go to meetings. I, my friend, am a drunk. But then who doesn't like to go out after work and blow off some steam over a few cocktails after The Man has spent the last 10 hours of the day winding up. Apparently there are a lot I've come to learn.

However, alcohol is not a Machiavellian end unto itself sans the means, it's just the Utopian end. It's what the proletariat use to stop remembering how deplorable their lives are and what the bourgeoisie use to remind themselves about the greatness of theirs. It's a social conduit that unites people from all walks of life and reminds us that "hey, we're all in this together, let's get bombed and enjoy each other. "

In other news I'm thinking about breaking free from the chains of compulsive eating. My entire life, I've eaten compulsively; I either overeat compulsively, or under eat compulsively. My relationship with food has been built upon a foundation of obsession, compulsion, fear, loathing, and co-dependence. It is not a healthy one. In fact, I'd guess that it fits in somewhere with the types of mangled, hideous relationships that HBO plays thursday nights. I am constantly thinking about what I will eat next. I'm amazed by how much I've accomplished in my life, considering how much of my brain power is dedicated to thinking about food...eating it...not eating...why I can't eat it...why I want to eat it...where was I, again?

Damn, I'm an hour overdue for work.

Hic !

i seem to recognize your face
haunting, familiar, yet i can't seem to place it
cannot find the candle of thought to light your name
lifetimes are catching up with me
all these changes taking place, i wish i'd seen the place
but no one's ever taken me
hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...

-Pearl Jam

Boyles Law of Public Transportation

From where i come from, its not a great experience using the inter city public shuttle service. Was a bit a squeeze on the bus yesterday. Everyone who didn't have their face violently pressed against the windows or the armrests were wrestling furiously not to fall out the doors. All thanks to Boyle's Law about pressure being inversely related to volume. And that was at constant temperature. Well, its almost May and this might easily be the most unfashionably hot part of the country. And I spent nearly the whole journey -a nightmare three hour ride through dusty, humid roads- standing up. True to physics, pressure and volume - they didn't seem to let up.

Before it left though I waited to see if I could get a seat; otherwise I was going to hire a taxi, and charge the company however much it took. I found a seat, and it was all going well, but the driver decided he could squeeze a few more stinky passengers on board, and kept making stops. Then a crone got on. And then another one and another one. For several minutes I ignored them all, hoping that they would go away or that someone else would see them and do the gentlemanly thing. Darned women. Kept staring at me with that pitiful expression. So in the end I gave one my seat, albeit with utmost resentment and bad grace.

Had we not been jammed in like cooped chicken I would have fallen flat on my face several times, for the driver was the usual idiot, hurtling around bends as if he only had five minutes to live. After ten minutes of this I was sweating like a pig in a sauna, and soon I was aching all over. At times I only had one foot touching the floor. A poor sick child dropped a toy and I bent down to pick it up. The driver just then decided to play Carmageddon, as everyone was flung to one side, and for several moments my head was trapped. My neck was twisted like an owl's and the side of my face was squashed into the stomach of the surly peasant next to me, a stinking oaf in a vest.

It was most unpleasant.

Point of the Post - Use company perks. Thats what they are for.

Loving Ogres, Wood-Elves and Sabre Warriors

This is a take on an article in the Daedalus Project a few weeks ago about people who fell in love because they met in "massively multiplayer online role playing games. (MMORPG)"

A year and a half ago I was an avid player of these games, Final Fantasy XI (FFXI) and Everquest(EQ). They were fun games, but there weren't very many female players. And people estimate that half of the female players you did see were actually male players pretending to be female. Yuck!

But based on the Daedalus's endorsement I thought that maybe I should give this another one a try. I needed to find a game with a better male to female ratio (Yes, two b school years do that to you). So I tried The Sims Online. Sims supposedly has the best male to female ratio of all massively multiplayer online games, but hardly anyone plays it. I can see why. It's pretty pointless. There's nothing to do. In Fantasy or EQ you would join a team of other players and kill monsters. Only with good teamwork was it possible to kill them efficiently. Plot lines follow every other Hollywood Fantasy movie. Young apprentice befriends older mentor(another player). Work together to kill monsters(other players). The more you kill, the stronger you get, more skills you learn. (For the initiated, along the lines of Diablo, only more complex and more fun). And so, unlike the real world where you work and work and nothing happens, in this your work is quite shockingly, rewarded.

However in Sims all you do is stuff like take the dog for a walk, call your wife good names, make lunch, watch tv, eat dinner, go to the bathroom, take a shower, sleep. That was easily the only virtual world ever invented that is more boring than real life.

But this virtual world does have a better male to female ratio than the real world. And the girls (atleast i think they were) are easier to talk to. Every time I did log on, my virtual roommate, Ktrina79 starts chatting with me. Ktrina was a schoolteacher from Montreal and the pics she sent made me wanna go back to school. Was fun for a while, but there was no way i could go on with the tedium. For all I know "she's" really some fifty year old gay guy.

Although it may not fit the stereotype, we gamers are not immune to love. There's bound to be some flirting going on when you have a few thousand people playing an MMORPG together. The games are filled with scenarios that shed light on player personalities. Those seem like pretty good odds for the ladies.

We thus stand on the cusp of a new generation where parents telling their children about the circumstances of how they met will not revolve around college parties, chance encounters at a coffee shop or business conferences. Instead, they will tell their children how they met each other while battling gnolls in subterranean caverns or slaying the undead in forgotten crypts while pretending to be warriors or clerics.

Point of the post - I'm bored. Lots of work i dont wanna do.

One True God

I'll never get why we are supposed to love these conferences that are called for ever so often. I love discussing in abstract , doodling incoherently as they discuss outcomes that will definitely have no far reaching changes. However, I do not like meetings where my attendance is required and my input is not appreciated or desired. That's how my day has been for the last two days.

I've been working my ass off on a project that will not actually kick off until after I should have moved out of here. Further, most of the other members of the team are the gods in the office. Only the opinions of the gods are truly considered. Of course, I should mention that the opinions of the gods pretty much reflect the opinion of the facilitator so there's not even value added by the gods. Not so conducive to additional input from the non-gods if I don't say so myself.

Now, this doesn't mean that the input of the non-gods is not sought. In fact, I've been called on and asked why I have no input.

There are atleast two reasons that I can attribute to that. a) I have no input because I wasn't told what to prepare for and b) Nobody told me that I'd need to prepare for it at all. On two occasions when I did have input, such thoughts (which more or less seemed related) were casually thrown aside when the gods didn't appear to readily jump behind me.

So today, after 6 hours of meeting and 6 pages of my designs of synchronised battle axes, I have come to realize that the entire meeting was just set up for the facilitator to mentally masturbate. But then I guess its part of being God. What could be more fun than calling an endless two day long meeting to listen to yourself talk, accept feedback that supports your initial opinion, and requires the non-gods to write down every single pondering thought you might have?

Off to a second session. It's enough to make me eat my drawings (on insipid paper - yes, i've tasted). Seriously, I could be chewing nails and be more productive than having to sit though any more of this.

This dance aint so great

Third Post. Think I've been bitten by the indite bug, mostly because I don't have anything positive to say.

I went to a wedding this last weekend, and had the unfortunate experience of being surrounded by mostly couples and these two single guys I went to school with. So, when the slow songs played - and there seemed to be a lot of them - I found myself sitting at the table alone. It was really, really uncomfortable.

I wasn't sure what to do with myself, so every time the tempo slowed, I excused myself to the bathroom to stare at walls. As humans I have decided that we complicate moments. Hardly anything happens without the mind spinning it up into an elaborate production. It’s the elaboration that makes life more difficult than it needs to be. Come to think of it, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom at this wedding. The other wedding guests must think I have an overactive bladder or a serious coke problem.

I can't remember ever feeling so fucking awkward in my life.

Maybe as a really young teenager. But not as an adult.

I may hire a date for the next wedding I have to attend.

Typing that actually made me sad.

Leave me alone, I'm busy

I'm SO busy that I decided to see if I could still get to blogger rather than actually do anything productive. Update on my life: sinus infection, sunburns, stock issues, dinner out, staying in room, freaking out over stock issues, sinus infection, television, internet that is just too slow and sleep.

I finally found some shows I like to watch on Thursday nights. That one with that one guy...I can't think of his name, but it's called 30Rock. I was cracking up. Watch it next Thursday if you can.

Second post in two days.... I've outdone myself

Where is the nearest bridge?

I officially hate myself.



Don't you hate it when it feels like you've had a string of disappointments and you foolishly decide to rely on someone who is well known for being unreliable to be the one who will bring you out of the dumps? And then that person - lovely and wonderful and amazing as they are - is, as people tend to be, a human being, who has their own ups and downs to contend with (at an amplified dosage, no less).

Well, i don't know about you, but i hate it.

I'm trying hard to focus on the positive, which isn't easy, because for bunches of other reasons i've had a predominantly tough few days of late. The resources seem low.

Bad karma....

It happened again .... Blogger ate my post.I've tried and I've tried to get into the habit of copy/pasting my posts as I go, or doing it in Word...but I basically suck at it. And I've been sitting here being mad about it almost long enough to just do it all again...but now I'm too...mad. Maybe the universe is just trying to tell me to shut the hell up & stop whining...

Anyway, I'll try again later. Darn...

What is the intention of this post? Need some sympathy? trying to impress someone?

That was a comment for a previous post.. And good point mate. Wasn't intended that way. Am but a stranger in an even stranger land who is forced to keep himself occupied any way he can. Do indulge me.

Its a scary thing to have time on your hands.. and your thoughts alone are truly a terrible place to be in. You dream back about improbable ways, of different days, of eyes when i was still, of pain and eloquent grafitti, of visions too removed to mention, of all that i've disappointed, of all the souls i took into the night, of doubts, of lifetimes imagined, of damages done, of thoughts that cant stop wandering, of being preoocupied as my world stumbles and falls. Someone save temptation.

The way of life is a funny thing... Teaches you that the things you want the most never seem to be the one that happen. The best of plans laid amount to naught.

But again, its late into a lonely boring night and i have but little sticks of cancer and melancholic playlists to keep me company.. Then again daylight will hopefully bring better tidings and things to do.

Aaaaarghhh!

I just sat here for an hour typing a new update, when firefox crashed and I lost the whole damned thing. I've gotta go play some violent video games for a while or something....I guess I'll try it again later. .... Oh, and did I mention DAMMIT!

not every post deserves a title

Its a super boring Wednesday, and I am trying to look extremely busy (it’s an essential part of my job-list everyday). So anyways was trying to figure out what to write. Actually to be honest, I’ve been trying to figure out what to write since yesterday. So for the lack of anything better, shall make a list of my achievements in these 24 years of existence.

Mind you, its not a small list. And yes, there are many things in here that most of you are probably dying to do and most that you definitely shouldn't.

Changed a baby’s diaper
Lied to a government official
Lied to many government officials
Said ‘I Love You’ and meant it
Taken an ice cold bath
Screamed as loudly as I possible could have
Gotten drunk on 12 bottles of beer
Seen a near total eclipse with naked eyes
Wished on a shooting star
Kissed a complete stranger
Had a candlelit lunch with 4 other guys in broad daylight (what inspires us i am yet to figure out)
Sat out of class for most of a semester
Gotten drunk and puked into a well
Given more than I could afford to a charity
Slept in a car all night
Slept in class
Slept at work
Stayed up all night and watched the sunrise (Farewell to the original W400s)
Patted a snake...
Been bitten by a squirrel
Taken a sick day off when I wasn’t ill
Been bullied by girls in school
Slept under the stars on a grassy knoll against a lake in coll
Giggled when my best friend was Hindi poetry reciting, making him fail
Had amazing friends (And still have them!)
Lost weight And then gained more
Survived a fatal accident.. my mom doesn't know
Broken someone’s heart
Edited the school newspaper
Sang loudly in the car - was the only time I'll ever be in an antakshari
Hugged a photograph to sleep
Had seven straight tequila shots
Eaten camel
Gotten the entire class detained because I broke the window and didn't own up
Lied to get out of trouble
Taken a martial arts class - got a black belt
Loved someone I shouldn’t have
Gate crashed at a party
Been to weddings of people I don’t care about, just to eat good food
Gone without food for 3 days
Read, and understood Richard Bach or what he wanted to say,... i think
Had a crush on a girl when i was 4
Been obsessed with jigsaw puzzles
Been a geek in school
Made panneer .... burnt it
Made dal... learnt you aren't supposed to open the pressure cooker mid way
Hurt myself to see if i can stand the pain ... (okay i was bored someday)
Kissed someone so passionately, it made them dizzy
Been on a trek
Crossed a valley on a rope
Seriously contemplated pushing a nagging cohort int the valley
Cast my vote for someone I couldn’t care less about
Played in the rain
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Been buried in sand
Nursed broken hearts
Been blamed for things I did not do
Been punished for things I did not do
Walked scotfree for things I have
Been caught umpteen times for things I have done
Walked on the beach at midnight with a girl
Lounged around in bed all day
Fit three weeks miraculously into 3 days
Felt truly happy about my life
Felt absolutely miserable about life
Straightened my hair
Had suicidal thoughts
Stolen a bittergourd from a neighbors garden and been forced to return it later by ma
Skipped all my school reunions
Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
Read Godfather many times over... Felt like a man each time I read it
Read Love Story many times over ... Felt mushy and sad every time I read it
Won a bet
Lost tons
Made lots of bad choices
Read a lot
Listened to music a lot
Watched movies a lot
Been on the phone a lot
Stared out at open space a lot
Inherited all my grandpa's books
Fired a rifle
Learnt Autocad... you'll have to be a user to understand how difficult that is
Been in love with my computer
Been operated on my eye and saw through the entire thing
Taken a holiday all by myself
Appeared on a Radio show
Made a website and assorted paraphernalia for a coll fest... turned out decently enough
Lied to close friends
Cheated in a card game
Secretly wished harm to someone
Smoked up
Been cynical, sarcastic, caring, romantic, hopeful, perplexed, eclectic in combinations

i can go on and on, but seriously, i do have deadlines!

Nights of the living dead

Why is it that on any given weeknight, by 11:00 I am dog tired and can easily fall asleep, and I usually wake up around 6:00ish without the help of an alarm. 7:30 if I am lucky. And I usually take a little nap at work in the afternoon too!

But on the weekends I end up not being able to fall asleep before 2.00 am and on Saturday morning I was awake at 5:00am and on sunday I MADE myself stay in bed until 6:00 even though I was awake at FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!!!! I have weekend insomnia.

And it really sucks.

Most normal people can sleep in on the weekends. Most normal people can sleep IN when they stay up late. Not me. Even if I stay up until 4:00am I still wake up at six. It is a curse. The few times I have slept in I feel all discombobulated.

Right now I just have a headache. And the coffee machine in office hasnt been refilled so I am having to wait out my morning coffee (even if it tastes like mud flavoured with caffeine, I NEED MY COFFEE). This all makes me quite grouchy.

Hopefully a huge lunch will straighten me out today. We will see.

okay thats weird

i can post, but cant read them

damn the indian gov and their half assed trysts with technology. i spent 10 mins on the last post.

Whew... I still have my precious webspace

took me 7 bomb blasts and overkill by the government to remind me to come back.

aah, what can i say... have been gamboling all over kerala, delhi, punjab and the southern part of the peninsula. been eventful but nothing of note really. just that my premonitions of a soporofic life have become far more frequent now. after much deliberation and delightful nail biting, gave up on that delightful little cancer stick that I had so come to love. not exactly the time of my life.

been having trouble sleeping, taking forever to get to sleep and waking up hour after hour, restless turning, never feeling rejuvinated unsure of whether or not i was asleep 10 minutes ago or simply staring into the darkness. but the dreams, the wild dreams, i love them. amazing confuzing dazzling ridiculous that i never want to end. the emotions that continue to run through to the waking hours like aftershock waves of an earthquake. they are ridiculous but make me feel strange all day. the best is when i can let myself slip back and pick up the dreams from where i stopped last time around.. prequels, sequels, parallel plots. its all there

now i'm awake.. and office beckons. damn.

Goodbye Cruel World

Okay its not a cruel world..... its only for two weeks.... and i'll be back

Dont give a Horse's Arse

(Overheard at an undisclosed location)

Guy 1:
i want bigger shoulders , pecs , abs and big arms but dont wanna get too big , just 'toned'

my diet is great - i drink diet coke and cereal bars for breakfast and for dinner low fat yogurt and burger with no bap (i was told carbs are bad)

i dont want to go to gym so do 5000 situps three times per day - 900 pressups and bicep curls with a 10kg bar

will i look like brad pitt from fight club ??


Guy 2: (okay not a guy, Guy1's ultra-sycophantic girlfriend)
You already do, skinny soft lad!

Guy 3: (gags)
yes your body will but your face will still look like a horse's arse



I have no idea, why this conversation is relevent at all in any context.... but i cant get it out of my head... Is there actually such a phrase as "horse's arse"? I had developed a suspicipon that "horse's ass" was actually an alternate term for "mule" and not actually to do with farm animals' rear ends. Enough with the etymology already, my ma wants me to have my well deserved bath.

Jennifer Lopez has been shot

Jennifer Lopez, the popular entertainer, has been shot.




UPDATE!
Jennifer Lopez has NOT been shot, not even slightly. I was confusing her with singer Marc Cohn. I apologize for any distress this caused.



Singer Marc Cohn, known for the 1991 smash hit "Walking in Memphis," was shot in the head Sunday during an attempted carjacking in Denver but survived, his manager said Monday.


Our thoughts must be with Mr Cohn's family at this difficult time

What have i done ?

Aarghhh ...

i know...

this is going to be another one of those half assed ventures that i'll hardly venture into