I’ve been neglecting this site badly I know, however there is a reason.
It’s taken me some time to get this post done for many reasons. It’s stirred up all sorts of memories, and every time I tried to do it, I would just freeze and look at the screen. It’s a bit disjoint, and not particularly well written, but I needed to get it done while my hands would work properly. Quality isn’t my concern at this point of time.
It should take a few hundred pounds to crush a human skull... Human emotion however is a far more delicate thing.
When you've re-developed a closeness with people that was gone for a while, and you've fallen deeper in love with someone totally unexpected, is it right to leave anyway? Some might say yes, if the regret of not following your dreams is irreparable. If it's meant to be it will still be. Others say, why chance losing a good thing, if you're happy where you are, why go away to seek something you're not even sure you're looking for and chance losing everything you've gained, or risk it being forever changed.
When you're trying to make sure your parents aren't disappointed in you, and that you do the things you know most others only can dream about, and you don't want to put too much pressure on a wonderful and loving relationship...yet, you don't want to leave all the comforts of home, close friends and a life where you have just started to give something back in return, what do you do?
Well, I go anyway...and I cry, and I laugh, and I learn, and I constantly question if I've made the right decision, and hope that one day, I will know if these ghosts have been laid to rest.
The more you look at the clock, the slower time seems to go. It will uncover the hiding place of your mind and torture it with every second. My breakup has left me with a sense that time has become unhinged. I drift between imagination and reality, between past and present with increasing ease. I feel the bolts of time slowly coming away from the breakup. You can speed it up, you can slow it down. You can even freeze a moment. But you can't be rewind time. You can't undo what is done. Yet still I prayed while I was on the floor yesterday night. I did what many people do and tried to make a deal with God. To take me back to the beginning. I knew it was futile yet still I did it. That’s what I was doing the whole 2 hours. Waiting for an answer. An answer that never came.
Maybe I will never move on, maybe I will. People always tell me that time heals all. They lie. Wounds like this never heal, they burn with you for the rest of your life. Maybe I can never move on until I find another reason to love someone else. Why can't be life be simple? Because no one said it was going to be easy. Because at end of it, we're the ones that make it hard on ourselves for whatever reason we cling on to. That is the price we pay for being human. The price for the ability to feel.
This is the price I pay for giving myself so completely to a person and changed everything in my life. There are things in life that are worth the lifetime of misery they give. Misery or not, I don't look back in regret. For those moments that I truly lived, it was worth it. Every single moment of it.
There is a part of my that wants to let all my burdens out. A part of me that needs to talk to someone that can relate to what I am. It doesn't change the fact I still have to deal with everything myself, but it does change the state of mind I'm in, that allows me to do exactly what I need to do.
Yet, I'm here in my room, trying everything that I can to keep the disorder that are my thoughts from spilling out. Maintaining that self control has taken so much of my time, I find myself unable to focus on anything else in its entirety. So what's left is a trail of unfinished business and a wave of needful things approaching.
This is why I hate it when people wish me well. No one ever follows up to give any kind of comfort in any form. Where is an emotional outlet when you most need one? Not on my front door that's for sure.
