For Life and and all that it does to us.

Maybe it is the way of telling a story of the couple's origins building to its romantic peak against the one of their present day relationship sinking, but the cross-spliced canvas is in so many ways the story of my life.

Blue Valentine seemed tailored specifically to my tastes: a natural anti-romantic-ballad that acknowledges the evanescence of mutual fascination, presented in grainy, deeply saturated imagery that captures those eloquent minutes that you can never have taken from you.

Most movies reduce love to a grieving heart sentiment. Eternal Sunshine of a spotless Mind treats it as a subject of extended philosophical viewpoint. The film is cerebral, conceptually realistic, dense with literary allusion and as unabashedly romantic when you least expect it to be. I am so seduced by Valentine's final moments primarily because I have so often tragically interpreted something that is great now to automatically mean it will be great forever.

Life, and love, can be depressing propositions. Good people meet, with good intentions. They truly love each other and want only the best. But you can’t depend on getting only the best. And how we deal with the worst is what, in the end, determines the poetry of our lives.

When I die young . . . .

A pattern in the fractal

She checked the time on her phone. He should have been here by now. So she went back to waiting. It would have been sweet if he had shown up early, and she wasn’t the type to raise a ruckus if he was a few minutes late. This was definitely hovering over that line.

He might actually have a good excuse. Maybe a scooter splashed a puddle over him and he had to change. Maybe he was dropping that elderly aunt he told her about. Maybe a hyena had escaped from the zoo and had him trapped in a corner. Still, he should have at least sent her a text.

She flicked through the magazine again. Somehow Maxim didn't seem to hold her attention today. Served her right for arriving early, so eager and excited and stupid. To pass the time she tried to memorise the release dates of all the films PVR seemed intent on screening. June 29th, July 12th, August 3rd, which was also her birthday. Maybe he would surprise her and they would start going out and he would take her to see the film as a birthday treat.

She got her phone out again. No new messages. She told herself she would wait 2 more minutes before sending him one. The film was due to begin. That way she wouldn’t seem desperate or needy, only practical. “The movie is starting now, are you nearby?” She composed it, added his number, and when the two minutes were up sent it.

And then she waited two minutes. Not a problem, parking lots can be painful to type in.

Then five minutes went past. Well, she could miss the trailers.

Then another three minutes. She hoped there was a long credit sequence at the start.

How much longer would she need to wait before it looked pathetic?

20 minutes or so probably, though she knew she’d wait as long as 40.

A boy sat down beside her, and her heart soared.

It took three seconds before she realized that it wasn’t her date. Just someone that looked as bored and lonely as she did. He caught her looking, and flashed a tight smile. Then he went back to staring at the cinema entrance and glancing at his watch. It was curious to see him doing exactly what she was.

146 seconds passed. She counted each one, in hope that time would go slower and she might still see the film with her date.

When she got to 147 an enormous sigh let up besides her. She looked and again he caught her.

“You've been stood up too?” he asked glumly. She smiled wanly, a little glad to see that she wasn’t the only reject in the world. “Sucks” he said. “Yeah” she mumbled.

A silence followed this. He took one more look at his watch. Then he said “Which movie?”.

“Sorry?”

“Which movie were you going to see?”

“Oh, Finding Neverland”

“Ha, same”

He reached into his pocket and pulled something out. It looked like some paper, and he tried to iron them out with it in his hands “Did the smart thing and bought both tickets early” he said.

She gave him a sympathetic nod. At least she hadn’t gone that far she confessed.

“Yeah, sucks to be me too” he said.

He stared at his hands holding the tickets in front of him. Then he looked up.

“Do you…like the look of the film?” he asked.

“Well I thought the trailer held promise, and of course Johnny Depp’s in it”

“Of course. And let’s not forget Kate Winslet either”

“No,” she laughed. “I guess not”

He looked at the tickets some more. “Would you like one?” he said “I don’t want to let the world know I was stood up - sit alone next to an empty seat. And I don't think they'll give me a refund” He tried to give her a ticket.

“Oh, well let me buy it off you” she said, as she rummaged for her purse from her rather large handbag.

“It’s no big deal.”

“Then let me pay.”

“Girls shouldn’t have to” he muttered.

She smiled.

At least there was one gentleman in the world. And while he wasn’t handsome in the classical sense, he wasn’t particularly unattractive. Besides, she had been looking forward to the movie; A date for the film was insurance that she didn’t have to go in and sit alone. She made up her mind.

“At least let me buy the popcorn” she was still rummaging around her bag.

“You don’t have to sit next to me if you don’t want to.”

She looked up sharply, got up, took his hand and pulled him up as well. “Come on” she said “we’re missing the film, so get moving”

“Oh, ok fine. Let’s go”

So they did, and it was nice, and they did end up having fun after all. Except as they got out, the doorman shot the boy a wry smile and shook his head, but she soon forgot about that and its oddness. The film had been lovely and she was feeling so grateful towards the boy.

It was next week. The boy went to the cinema by himself again. He looked up at the listings and went up to the ticket counter. Behind it was the doorman. He smiled at his old friend.

“What films are out that couples will want to see today?”

The doorman rolled his eyes “The Pianist”

The boy bought 2 tickets. He sat down and waited, looking around for when a girl would show up, looking unhappy and alone.

Looking like they had been stood up for a date.

There and Back Again

The last week was mostly spent being spontaneously and getting together and with friends making plans so vague its unbelievable, and still pulling off some of the best nights we've had in a long time. Its been a great shift from my normal self as my mates laid back enough it took a load of pressure off for some reason I'm no sure i can explain properly.

In the last few days I've been in a 6 am party, a quiz show, the queer parade and the front row of the smallest movie theater for nights out. Granted, some of that was just because the damned Delhi government decides to load shed from 9-11 every night around where I live, but that's besides the point.

Anyways, here's to a more laid back tomorrow!!

The first day of the rest of my life.

As we grow older, we acquire the desire to be taken seriously. Happens around the age of 25. Almost certainly at the age of 25 every starlet wants to do a character role, every theater artist wants to do a comedy, and every long haired punk wants to cut his hair and get a job. That's the way we are built. So as I see my birthday approaching on the horizon, I am thinking - maybe, I should do something important in my life. Start my company, see the world, make some money.

Aha. Except on my 25th birthday I get to know that I am being promoted and sent to a new city heading a set of people, lots of responsibility, yadda yadda yadda. So my new job takes me all the way from Madras, TN to Hyderabad, AP where I am to fight the last battle for a completely decimated soft drinks company. And I thought to myself - fuck it ! This is brilliant. I can have fun doing this. And I carried on for another year of my life. And then the 26th birthday loomed ahead - It hit me like a train. I thought to myself, I am a grown-up now. An adult even. I want to get serious. I want to start a company. And since the only companies that seem to get started around me have things to do with computers, I thought, I should start by changing my job.

So I rang up my friends and apprised them of this epic decision. These friends however, were not bright. They took me seriously. They immediately set up these meetings for me. They rang me back a week later telling me, warning me, lauding me for the plunge I hadn't yet taken.

Somewhere along the line my dad's friend S gets in to the fray too. S works for a Staffing company, one of the largest in South Asia or so. S set me up for a meeting with R who was some hotshot head hunter for a software company H. That man again was not very bright. He also took the idea of me changing industries seriously.

So I am in a meeting with R and S, both having taken the idea of me being responsible seriously. In some weird way, it appealed to me. I was going to be 26. I wanted to be taken seriously. It was good. And R who was quite old yet quite sprightly, looks at me in that "I understand exactly how difficult it is to be doing what you are" as he shakes my hand.

And that's when R tells me the magic words. "X, this is very hard work. It is just you, your imagination and a computer. Are you really sure you can put the hours in?". And I gush eloquence. I was going to be 26 after all. And as my eyes bored in to R's cherubic little face, he crumbled. He made me an offer. And at that point of time I didn't even think it was a bad one.

The best part of the entire deal was that these people at H gave me money upfront. And I was like wow, this won't get me working. The bright lights in my head are now doing a musical. These people were willing to pay me money for doing something I have no idea about even before I had done any of the doing of it. The best I have ever been able to come up with to explain that was:

R wasn't very bright. Or that S was very good.

So two months later, I was in yet another new city, stars in my eyes, money in the bank and in front of a computer trying to figure it all out. And man, it was hard work. I had no idea.

I have never been the most motivated man in the world. Whenever, there has been work at hand to do, all the things I have to do in life seem so much more important. Its all very distracting. But this time around it was far worse. It was supposed to be just me, myself and the computer. But that was not strictly speaking true. My computer is attached to the Internet. And the Internet contains everything in the whole wide world ever. And I have always found everything in the whole wide a tad distracting.

This is where I probably tell you that I didn't get much work done that day, or the next, or the next after that.

We'll all float on anyway.

Not to sound like a broken record or anything, but things with my friends are becoming weird, and I’m honestly not sure why I’m caring. I know there’s always been the politics of inter-weaving friendships, treaties and wars, so I shouldn’t really be surprised that some nations are having talks and closing borders while I stand here and govern my own little island.

But alas, less with metaphors/analogies (I don’t know the difference, never have, never will) and more with the real stuff. I'm sitting-out work again today. It was late to start the day with in any case, and the cubicles seem to buzz fervently every time I walk past. Signed up for another set of tests and found something that’s actually interesting.

Yeah, I’m bored.

Contemplating the Casual Grip of the Workday

Its been the sixth consecutive day in the training schedule. And the end seems to be the really far side of a dark tunnel. Or in my case, a well lit conference hall where most words discussed are written in capitals and nobody cares to elaborate what they stand for. So I have regressed pretty much in to the things that I do best. Doodle as I dawdle.

With the last bits of my sobriety ebbing, I delve into dark voyeurism as I look around me and the strange quirks that hide behind people become surprisingly evident. I find it an incredibly compelling thing to see middle aged people do some very childish things. I don't mean petty or small things, but actual unconscious actions. For instance, there was this suited sales head that complained that his tummy was sore, rubbing it for effect. Or that friendly European woman that kept swatting feverishly at a fly, wanting it to go away but too scared to actually hit it. Or when I see any of the speakers act shy or awkward or nervous. I once had this new geography teacher at school that was terrified of her class, and spoke in a voice that shook along with her hands. And as a class I don't think we made her life any easier either. Felt kind of bad for her, and even made the schoolboy error of voicing concerns to peers, who in turn peered down and declared "you fancy her!"

I guess it is foolish to assume that adults are in fact always adult 100% of the time. My own definition of adulthood is weird and pretty narrow. An adult is someone that is either successfully doing the family thing, and/or doing the whole career thing, who buy photo frames and pepper shakers and have creases in their facebook.

Since there are 2 parties that I have to be at tonight, and it is quite likely that I will end up driving when I shouldn't after I sit up late with friends playing video games and poker. It always makes me smile when we have those same old conversations that we had way back when, and realizing that despite appearances, people don't actually change that much. Not in a bad way of course. All their good points stay the same, its just their vices that evolve. From chocolate to booze to smoking and to other stuff. Our sins become more glamorous whilst our virtues remain true and steady. But then again, that is for later in the day.

For now, I am still in the same training session with its well lit conference hall and boring questions from people. Also, today was one that was wanting of any kind of action. And this kind of day always annoys me, where nothing is really achieved. The real regret is you know that you could easily have done something cool, maybe even awesome, or failing that, at least something useful and productive. I always end up getting all fired up to do shit and then within a few hours lose all momentum to follow through. The vicious and fairly linear circle thing. I blame my incredibly short attention span now that my mid-life angst is fast running out as a legitimate excuse.

New Lease on Life

My first day in a house spent alone, I wander around my house wondering what to do with myself. I shower with the door open, alternating between singing cheesy songs as far out of tune as is humanly possible and thinking about post-big-city arrivals, when I’ll have nothing but at least a few more months stretching out in front of me. Suddenly friends are creeping out, half-blinded, and socially inept from spending too long pouring over notes on excel sheets they’ll never really understand, grabbing me by the shoulders and pleading let’s go for a drink as if it’s not quite acceptable yet.

Its my place now, so I dress in my shabbiest and yet comfiest clothes and wander around the house. I empty the box of spoons and pots that my landlord gave earlier, and fill my cupboards, I sit in every antique chair in the living room, each giving me a slightly different perspective than the one before. The doorbell rings and the salesman asks for some name I haven't heard of. I explain the person hasn't been living here and that nobody has lived here for a few years,

I sit, cross-legged on the carpet on my living room floor; organising my office bag & tearing up those sheets that invariable accumulate. I have a series of tests coming up and I choose topics to study, and mark them carefully with a bright post-it. Open book exams are a blessing. When the flatmate finally arrives home, he greets me with an expression reminiscent of the Hillary-Tenzing adventures and a Marks & Spencers bag-full of beer.

It was warmer after that.

not every post deserves a title

Its a super boring Wednesday, and I am trying to look extremely busy (it’s an essential part of my job-list everyday). So anyways was trying to figure out what to write. Actually to be honest, I’ve been trying to figure out what to write since yesterday. So for the lack of anything better, shall make a list of my achievements in these 24 years of existence.

Mind you, its not a small list. And yes, there are many things in here that most of you are probably dying to do and most that you definitely shouldn't.

Changed a baby’s diaper
Lied to a government official
Lied to many government officials
Said ‘I Love You’ and meant it
Taken an ice cold bath
Screamed as loudly as I possible could have
Gotten drunk on 12 bottles of beer
Seen a near total eclipse with naked eyes
Wished on a shooting star
Kissed a complete stranger
Had a candlelit lunch with 4 other guys in broad daylight (what inspires us i am yet to figure out)
Sat out of class for most of a semester
Gotten drunk and puked into a well
Given more than I could afford to a charity
Slept in a car all night
Slept in class
Slept at work
Stayed up all night and watched the sunrise (Farewell to the original W400s)
Patted a snake...
Been bitten by a squirrel
Taken a sick day off when I wasn’t ill
Been bullied by girls in school
Slept under the stars on a grassy knoll against a lake in coll
Giggled when my best friend was Hindi poetry reciting, making him fail
Had amazing friends (And still have them!)
Lost weight And then gained more
Survived a fatal accident.. my mom doesn't know
Broken someone’s heart
Edited the school newspaper
Sang loudly in the car - was the only time I'll ever be in an antakshari
Hugged a photograph to sleep
Had seven straight tequila shots
Eaten camel
Gotten the entire class detained because I broke the window and didn't own up
Lied to get out of trouble
Taken a martial arts class - got a black belt
Loved someone I shouldn’t have
Gate crashed at a party
Been to weddings of people I don’t care about, just to eat good food
Gone without food for 3 days
Read, and understood Richard Bach or what he wanted to say,... i think
Had a crush on a girl when i was 4
Been obsessed with jigsaw puzzles
Been a geek in school
Made panneer .... burnt it
Made dal... learnt you aren't supposed to open the pressure cooker mid way
Hurt myself to see if i can stand the pain ... (okay i was bored someday)
Kissed someone so passionately, it made them dizzy
Been on a trek
Crossed a valley on a rope
Seriously contemplated pushing a nagging cohort int the valley
Cast my vote for someone I couldn’t care less about
Played in the rain
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Been buried in sand
Nursed broken hearts
Been blamed for things I did not do
Been punished for things I did not do
Walked scotfree for things I have
Been caught umpteen times for things I have done
Walked on the beach at midnight with a girl
Lounged around in bed all day
Fit three weeks miraculously into 3 days
Felt truly happy about my life
Felt absolutely miserable about life
Straightened my hair
Had suicidal thoughts
Stolen a bittergourd from a neighbors garden and been forced to return it later by ma
Skipped all my school reunions
Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
Read Godfather many times over... Felt like a man each time I read it
Read Love Story many times over ... Felt mushy and sad every time I read it
Won a bet
Lost tons
Made lots of bad choices
Read a lot
Listened to music a lot
Watched movies a lot
Been on the phone a lot
Stared out at open space a lot
Inherited all my grandpa's books
Fired a rifle
Learnt Autocad... you'll have to be a user to understand how difficult that is
Been in love with my computer
Been operated on my eye and saw through the entire thing
Taken a holiday all by myself
Appeared on a Radio show
Made a website and assorted paraphernalia for a coll fest... turned out decently enough
Lied to close friends
Cheated in a card game
Secretly wished harm to someone
Smoked up
Been cynical, sarcastic, caring, romantic, hopeful, perplexed, eclectic in combinations

i can go on and on, but seriously, i do have deadlines!