Quod me nutrit me destruit

From our days hunting on the prehistoric Savannah, the human brain is famously adapted for picking out relevant details from a jumble of images. Computers, however, would most likely have starved to death long before discerning an antelope in tall grass, let alone a phone number or contact information in a scanned document or PDF. They're evolving, though.

I've been devoting most of my working hours (and then some) to a difficult campaign with some asinine clients. The guy doing most of the work designing the campaign (thereby working closely with me) pretty much keeps to himself. Mr. Chill speaks only when necessary. Gives looks that make people think their mere visage offends him. Wears his headphones so as to block out ambient noise and makes a mess on the table he eats on. Still he doesn't talk.

In the beginning of this month, I joined this new team when we were all allocated, and I found myself in the cube directly across from Mr. Benign Rotundness. Late last week, we had this much-needed communication breakthrough. RB started actually speaking to me. Both about work in general and about things unrelated to work. I was particularly pleased with the turnaround and looking forward to the benefits of our new found working relationship. And yeah, Hindi was the medium of communication.

The other day, my work buddy Buddhist Catholic tapped the glass behind me and blew me a kiss. I turned in my chair just enough to blow a kiss back at her, which left me facing the aisle and Mr. Chill. Usually engrossed in his work and/or social networking, Mr. Chill took this opportunity to turn toward me - as I was mid- kiss... lips puckered, hand in air... and facing Mr. Chill directly.

I tried to assure him that I wasn't blowing him kisses, but I felt the flush rising in my cheeks and saw my shame mirrored in his suddenly rosy face. Certain any further explanation on my part would only make things worse, I turned back to my work.

So, yeah... Pretty sure the new found lines of communication with Mr. Chill are shut down as of now.

And Buddhist Catholic? After laughing hysterically at my retelling of the story, she's banned from blowing kisses my way.

* No, that's not an excuse, just the facts, people. I'm not silly enough to think anyone is out there wondering where I've been. It just happened to be a good lead-in for a little self-deprecation. And we all know how much I love some self-deprecation.

I know, I know, I haven't been spending too much time at the blog lately because I've been working on advancing my career. Or so I'd like to believe, but all that is about to change.

The Long Stark Tea-Time of the Soul

Unlike my previous record for not ever returning to places that have served as short term havens, I actually went back to a Delhi for a few days. There is probably a reason why I don't go back ever so often. Mixed feelings of anguish, doubt, memories and relief dont really make for my cup of tea.

In any case, it was worth the effort this time around.

Long live corporate travel policies.

Packing things away, Life should go on - Pt iii

Jan 31,2009

The Acoustics

Sometimes I swear I can hear you, in the wrinkles of clothes, in the hum of radios, in the mold slowly forming on unused t-shirts. I swear it. It’s there in my battered, torn shoes left to dry. It’s in my phone and my computer. It’s in the musty pages of old books and in empty deodorant cans. I hear you most when I climb into an unmade bed and feel the hairs on the sheets.

It’s there when I sort the clothes into the right position and in the soft, sagging folds I can hear “It’s wrong! It’s all wrong!” in that naturally cute voice of distress. It’s in the cigarettes over coffee and in the mirror where your grumpy face lingers in a shadow before realising your feelings and casting aside all maladies in a damp hug against the door.

It’s in the songs on the pod and in the sheets upon sheets of paper folded neatly in their envelopes hidden in my drawers. The chirrup of a phone. The pixels of an image. I hear it everywhere and nowhere. I can hear your voice in all these things but what I want is to hear your voice in my ear as I fall asleep and come home from work and sit hunched over this keyboard with fingers whirring at useless, random thoughts and in my bed telling me that it’s wrong, it’s all wrong until I make it right again and you fall asleep and grind your teeth at dreams to come.

January 17, 2009

The life and adventures of Bourbon

I was in a terrible place for a while. Lets not get into the details on that, lets just say that it was a low point. The past two months have been shaky to say the least, but they’re over. Now I am back. Hello.

I made a conscious decision on Tuesday. It happened when I woke up at six-thirty instead of eight and I had almost two hours to do nothing. I decided that I don’t really want to be doing the same anymore. It’s a good image I’ll admit; sitting in bars with friends having drink after drink and looking all the more haggard because you did the same the night before. And then the night before. But image isn’t everything. Last weekend I had so little sleep and so much alcohol that most of my memories of it are gone. I can pick bits and pieces, but they’re hazy at best. I felt like I was destroying myself a little bit.

Maybe I did, I don’t know, but I decided to stop.

And that’s what Tuesday was about. Tuesday was about setting things right, with everything. And it worked to an extent. Of course not everything was fixed and who knows maybe more problems have arisen, but things felt a hell of a lot better.

Anyway, I thought I’d break with the tradition of my usual veiled entries and just come out and say it; I am alright. I’m not overly ecstatic and I’m not down and out. I’m doing fine. This means that people can leave me alone in a room without showering me with protection, but it doesn’t mean you can abandon me or stifle me with affection. I am OK.

So there we go, lets resume regular programming.

Jan 11, 2009

Mancold Martyr

I’ve been sitting it out far too long at home sick as hell for the past few days so I thought I’d recount some of the titles I’ve watched. And other things.

First up is the much too short Afro Samurai which I will thrust down people throats. The only problem that I’d bring to figure would be the appalling lip-syncing. It’s as if Samuel Jackson looked at his characters and said “Fuck it, there shouldn't be no mother fuckin’ restrictions on my mother fuckin’ lines”. So there’s the occasional weird scene when the anime character is shouting and good old Samuel is whispering something. Other than that everything was seamless. I watched it over two days with the flatmate (God bless his soul for recommending it in the first place) and I really wished I could’ve watched it in one. The animation was seamless, the action perfect. And the teddy bear samurai- I liked him better when he didn’t take off his mask but he was yet brilliant.

Another on the anime list would be the Samurai Champloo series which I’ve laughed at so many times just because it’s slang for orgasm. It’s a classic series, made by the same people and (roughly) at the same time as Cowboy Bebop, and it’s occasionally quite ridiculous. The series is a cross-genre work of media, blending the action and samurai genres with elements of non-slapstick comedy. It is also a period piece, taking place during Japan's Edo period. The series is interwoven with revisionist historical facts and anachronistic elements of mise-en-scene, dialogue and soundtrack. The series' most frequent anachronism is its use of elements of hip hop culture, particularly rap and the music it has influenced, break dancing, turntablism, hip hop slang, and graffiti. The show also contains anachronistic elements from the punk subculture and modernism, but less prominently.

Took another run at Donnie Darko the other day. I forget how much I love that flick. I think it’s not just the amazing cast, but also the overall art nouveau style and noire-ish sentiment with whip cracking dialogue that makes it worthwhile.

January 4, 2009

Untitled

Lets take a second here. Just a second.

I had a good day yesterday (if you take away the sole reason which made it not a good day, but we won’t go into that)

December 30, 2008

A Long December

A long December, and there's reason to believe

Maybe this year will be better than the last

I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'

Now the days go by so fast

- Counting Crows

Dec 7, 2008

The Dopes of Haphhazzard

I’m gonna pull you in close,

Gonna wrap you up tight,

Gonna play with the tips

that you came in here with tonight.

I’m gonna light your face,

blow circles as things fall back in place.

I can’t remember the last time I got high. I just have this one memory of one fantastic time. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe from laughing. I danced and the footage is still doing the rounds. I woke up with cotton mouth and a cut on my forehead.

Dec 6, 2008

Blot out the light and the world drops away

Morning. Slivers of light descry around the edges of the blinds and assault my eyelids. I roll away onto my right, away from the clock on the phone that digitally chips away at my remaining time. Probing fingers count the bruises on my legs, pressing each one gently until I wince. I find three new ones and one new dent where my leg had yielded against the jutting keys in the filing cabinet. Absently I pick the skin off my fingertips and count the hours to work.

I'm safe at three.

We'll all float on anyway.

Not to sound like a broken record or anything, but things with my friends are becoming weird, and I’m honestly not sure why I’m caring. I know there’s always been the politics of inter-weaving friendships, treaties and wars, so I shouldn’t really be surprised that some nations are having talks and closing borders while I stand here and govern my own little island.

But alas, less with metaphors/analogies (I don’t know the difference, never have, never will) and more with the real stuff. I'm sitting-out work again today. It was late to start the day with in any case, and the cubicles seem to buzz fervently every time I walk past. Signed up for another set of tests and found something that’s actually interesting.

Yeah, I’m bored.

Contemplating the Casual Grip of the Workday

Its been the sixth consecutive day in the training schedule. And the end seems to be the really far side of a dark tunnel. Or in my case, a well lit conference hall where most words discussed are written in capitals and nobody cares to elaborate what they stand for. So I have regressed pretty much in to the things that I do best. Doodle as I dawdle.

With the last bits of my sobriety ebbing, I delve into dark voyeurism as I look around me and the strange quirks that hide behind people become surprisingly evident. I find it an incredibly compelling thing to see middle aged people do some very childish things. I don't mean petty or small things, but actual unconscious actions. For instance, there was this suited sales head that complained that his tummy was sore, rubbing it for effect. Or that friendly European woman that kept swatting feverishly at a fly, wanting it to go away but too scared to actually hit it. Or when I see any of the speakers act shy or awkward or nervous. I once had this new geography teacher at school that was terrified of her class, and spoke in a voice that shook along with her hands. And as a class I don't think we made her life any easier either. Felt kind of bad for her, and even made the schoolboy error of voicing concerns to peers, who in turn peered down and declared "you fancy her!"

I guess it is foolish to assume that adults are in fact always adult 100% of the time. My own definition of adulthood is weird and pretty narrow. An adult is someone that is either successfully doing the family thing, and/or doing the whole career thing, who buy photo frames and pepper shakers and have creases in their facebook.

Since there are 2 parties that I have to be at tonight, and it is quite likely that I will end up driving when I shouldn't after I sit up late with friends playing video games and poker. It always makes me smile when we have those same old conversations that we had way back when, and realizing that despite appearances, people don't actually change that much. Not in a bad way of course. All their good points stay the same, its just their vices that evolve. From chocolate to booze to smoking and to other stuff. Our sins become more glamorous whilst our virtues remain true and steady. But then again, that is for later in the day.

For now, I am still in the same training session with its well lit conference hall and boring questions from people. Also, today was one that was wanting of any kind of action. And this kind of day always annoys me, where nothing is really achieved. The real regret is you know that you could easily have done something cool, maybe even awesome, or failing that, at least something useful and productive. I always end up getting all fired up to do shit and then within a few hours lose all momentum to follow through. The vicious and fairly linear circle thing. I blame my incredibly short attention span now that my mid-life angst is fast running out as a legitimate excuse.

Travails of the misconstrued traveller

The company decided that i spend too much time on the road... And what with all this talk of profitability I shouldn't take the driver along every time... (Also they know what a sweet driver I am). So they actually let me pick a car for my trips this week. And what do i do, choose a beat up maruti gypsy thats seen some thousand miles too many. This offroader must have been a sweet set of wheels in its time. But its been around a few too many potholes a few too many times. And whoever owned it obviously didn't indulge in luxuries like the occasional tune-up or oil change. The engine jerks and farts like an old man on a bad diet. The steering mechanism's got terminal arthritis. The suspension makes every bump an adventure. But all the same, this was the first time I got to drive a jeep/mobile whatever. I wasnt gonna let up on that.

So here I am, made it all the way to Denkanikottai on a left rear tyre that is as soft as a rotten banana and if thats a slow leak I'm good and screwed. I had to chuck the spare tyre to make room for all the neatly stacked up POP stuff we packed into the back. Every time I start it up I find myself wishing that this dear old girl can make it all the way to third gear without shaking the teeth out of my gums and that it could carry me another twenty yards without the carbeurator kicking out a fat one. So with 800 kms on the road this week so far, and the same to go, this hallowed trip seems to be losing its sheen. Also I've to make it home for the weekend.

Still may I proffer a truncated version of my trip to lands dusty and dry?

It was dusty, dry (maybe you already got that), hot, fast, slow, fattening, slimming, humid, wet, salty, vegetarian, fishy, meaty, colourful, hairy, large, larger, small, frictional, factional, stark, modern, ancient, and everything in-between; and we experienced friendship, suspicion, brotherhood, sisterhood, fraternity, fraternizing sexuality, happy, boisterous Nadars, strutting, drunk Devars, and tanned, perfumed Mals, honesty, swindlers, embraces, gambling, a knife or two, goats, beggars, kal dosais, yera and pura, traffic jams on half deserted roads, high-speed buses and bad drivers in the dead of night, visions of God, spice, no sleep, insomnia, more insomnia, skin, clothes, corals selling in the markets, fish, fowl, war, the threat of war, retaliation, reconciliation, olive branches, freshly cleaned socks, and hot coffee.

Sums it up, I guess. For details, call. Nobody calls me.

Boyles Law of Public Transportation

From where i come from, its not a great experience using the inter city public shuttle service. Was a bit a squeeze on the bus yesterday. Everyone who didn't have their face violently pressed against the windows or the armrests were wrestling furiously not to fall out the doors. All thanks to Boyle's Law about pressure being inversely related to volume. And that was at constant temperature. Well, its almost May and this might easily be the most unfashionably hot part of the country. And I spent nearly the whole journey -a nightmare three hour ride through dusty, humid roads- standing up. True to physics, pressure and volume - they didn't seem to let up.

Before it left though I waited to see if I could get a seat; otherwise I was going to hire a taxi, and charge the company however much it took. I found a seat, and it was all going well, but the driver decided he could squeeze a few more stinky passengers on board, and kept making stops. Then a crone got on. And then another one and another one. For several minutes I ignored them all, hoping that they would go away or that someone else would see them and do the gentlemanly thing. Darned women. Kept staring at me with that pitiful expression. So in the end I gave one my seat, albeit with utmost resentment and bad grace.

Had we not been jammed in like cooped chicken I would have fallen flat on my face several times, for the driver was the usual idiot, hurtling around bends as if he only had five minutes to live. After ten minutes of this I was sweating like a pig in a sauna, and soon I was aching all over. At times I only had one foot touching the floor. A poor sick child dropped a toy and I bent down to pick it up. The driver just then decided to play Carmageddon, as everyone was flung to one side, and for several moments my head was trapped. My neck was twisted like an owl's and the side of my face was squashed into the stomach of the surly peasant next to me, a stinking oaf in a vest.

It was most unpleasant.

Point of the Post - Use company perks. Thats what they are for.

One True God

I'll never get why we are supposed to love these conferences that are called for ever so often. I love discussing in abstract , doodling incoherently as they discuss outcomes that will definitely have no far reaching changes. However, I do not like meetings where my attendance is required and my input is not appreciated or desired. That's how my day has been for the last two days.

I've been working my ass off on a project that will not actually kick off until after I should have moved out of here. Further, most of the other members of the team are the gods in the office. Only the opinions of the gods are truly considered. Of course, I should mention that the opinions of the gods pretty much reflect the opinion of the facilitator so there's not even value added by the gods. Not so conducive to additional input from the non-gods if I don't say so myself.

Now, this doesn't mean that the input of the non-gods is not sought. In fact, I've been called on and asked why I have no input.

There are atleast two reasons that I can attribute to that. a) I have no input because I wasn't told what to prepare for and b) Nobody told me that I'd need to prepare for it at all. On two occasions when I did have input, such thoughts (which more or less seemed related) were casually thrown aside when the gods didn't appear to readily jump behind me.

So today, after 6 hours of meeting and 6 pages of my designs of synchronised battle axes, I have come to realize that the entire meeting was just set up for the facilitator to mentally masturbate. But then I guess its part of being God. What could be more fun than calling an endless two day long meeting to listen to yourself talk, accept feedback that supports your initial opinion, and requires the non-gods to write down every single pondering thought you might have?

Off to a second session. It's enough to make me eat my drawings (on insipid paper - yes, i've tasted). Seriously, I could be chewing nails and be more productive than having to sit though any more of this.

not every post deserves a title

Its a super boring Wednesday, and I am trying to look extremely busy (it’s an essential part of my job-list everyday). So anyways was trying to figure out what to write. Actually to be honest, I’ve been trying to figure out what to write since yesterday. So for the lack of anything better, shall make a list of my achievements in these 24 years of existence.

Mind you, its not a small list. And yes, there are many things in here that most of you are probably dying to do and most that you definitely shouldn't.

Changed a baby’s diaper
Lied to a government official
Lied to many government officials
Said ‘I Love You’ and meant it
Taken an ice cold bath
Screamed as loudly as I possible could have
Gotten drunk on 12 bottles of beer
Seen a near total eclipse with naked eyes
Wished on a shooting star
Kissed a complete stranger
Had a candlelit lunch with 4 other guys in broad daylight (what inspires us i am yet to figure out)
Sat out of class for most of a semester
Gotten drunk and puked into a well
Given more than I could afford to a charity
Slept in a car all night
Slept in class
Slept at work
Stayed up all night and watched the sunrise (Farewell to the original W400s)
Patted a snake...
Been bitten by a squirrel
Taken a sick day off when I wasn’t ill
Been bullied by girls in school
Slept under the stars on a grassy knoll against a lake in coll
Giggled when my best friend was Hindi poetry reciting, making him fail
Had amazing friends (And still have them!)
Lost weight And then gained more
Survived a fatal accident.. my mom doesn't know
Broken someone’s heart
Edited the school newspaper
Sang loudly in the car - was the only time I'll ever be in an antakshari
Hugged a photograph to sleep
Had seven straight tequila shots
Eaten camel
Gotten the entire class detained because I broke the window and didn't own up
Lied to get out of trouble
Taken a martial arts class - got a black belt
Loved someone I shouldn’t have
Gate crashed at a party
Been to weddings of people I don’t care about, just to eat good food
Gone without food for 3 days
Read, and understood Richard Bach or what he wanted to say,... i think
Had a crush on a girl when i was 4
Been obsessed with jigsaw puzzles
Been a geek in school
Made panneer .... burnt it
Made dal... learnt you aren't supposed to open the pressure cooker mid way
Hurt myself to see if i can stand the pain ... (okay i was bored someday)
Kissed someone so passionately, it made them dizzy
Been on a trek
Crossed a valley on a rope
Seriously contemplated pushing a nagging cohort int the valley
Cast my vote for someone I couldn’t care less about
Played in the rain
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Been buried in sand
Nursed broken hearts
Been blamed for things I did not do
Been punished for things I did not do
Walked scotfree for things I have
Been caught umpteen times for things I have done
Walked on the beach at midnight with a girl
Lounged around in bed all day
Fit three weeks miraculously into 3 days
Felt truly happy about my life
Felt absolutely miserable about life
Straightened my hair
Had suicidal thoughts
Stolen a bittergourd from a neighbors garden and been forced to return it later by ma
Skipped all my school reunions
Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
Read Godfather many times over... Felt like a man each time I read it
Read Love Story many times over ... Felt mushy and sad every time I read it
Won a bet
Lost tons
Made lots of bad choices
Read a lot
Listened to music a lot
Watched movies a lot
Been on the phone a lot
Stared out at open space a lot
Inherited all my grandpa's books
Fired a rifle
Learnt Autocad... you'll have to be a user to understand how difficult that is
Been in love with my computer
Been operated on my eye and saw through the entire thing
Taken a holiday all by myself
Appeared on a Radio show
Made a website and assorted paraphernalia for a coll fest... turned out decently enough
Lied to close friends
Cheated in a card game
Secretly wished harm to someone
Smoked up
Been cynical, sarcastic, caring, romantic, hopeful, perplexed, eclectic in combinations

i can go on and on, but seriously, i do have deadlines!