Writing it in stone

(the following: extracts from gmails i have mailed myself over the years)

(28 Jan, 2005)
My first real breakup. Its happening right in front of me. I never thought that it was going to be like a bike crash. I have slammed the breaks and am skidding towards an emotional impact.

Is this all my fault. I don't know. It is funny what goes through your mind at a time like this. The three and a half years we spent together. The promises we made. The holidays we took. The things we did. Together.

(04 Feb)
I stood right there when she told me that she's sorry she didn't think she can make me happy. Maybe we should break up. Thats when i got angry.

(20 Feb)
My first year at b school wanes. In the weeks that followed the breakup i have tried to figure out what went wrong. Why did we break up. Maybe one day it'll seem funny, but the reasons seem so small. One day she's with me and and saying i love you and the next week she's with someone else. Probably saying the same things.

What is love by the way. And is it really that fleeting.

(09 Mar)
I live in student accommodation on campus. It is basically a three storeyed concrete block housing some one hundred and thirty hormone crazed students. This is the haunting period. The time when the demons of regret come for you.

(14 Jul)
to think about her with some else.... it feels like all the oxygen has been sucked from the room.

(17 Jul)
I just cant fall asleep anymore. The more i try to sleep the less tired i feel. I am wide awake. Have tried everything. Suddenly there are eight extra hours.

My life has been extended by a third.

I want time to pass quickly. Instead i am being forced to witness the passing of every second of every hour. I want the hurt i feel to go away. Now i have even more time on my hands.

More time to think about her.

(30 Sep)
I rode for hours with no real place to go. I watched the landscape slowly change as it clung to the last hours of sunlight before leading me to yet another sleepless night. I have started to read all the books i wished i had the time to read. With the extra hours i even have time to re-read my favourite ones.

(14 Dec)
That moment. When you see someone who can share with you all you've wanted to say, in what she writes. That it is so beautiful that you cant help but stare. Imagine as i do with the world on pause, it becomes very easy to understand the concept of beauty. Especially when it is in front of you.... Captured.... Unaware.

(18 Jun)
I want to savour these moments. To live in these moments for a week. But i can't stop it. Only slow it. And before i knew it, she was gone. Logged offline. And after the dawn passed i felt like the last person on earth. it is the first time in a long time that my heart feels the other meaning for the word crush.

(22 Jul)
She is never far from my mind.

(03 Aug)
The minutes turned into hours. The hours into days and the days joined the fast rushing river of time. The bad news is that time flows. The good news is that you wont mind. Most of my idle musings are now spent thinking of her. I drew her endlessly in my mind. Over and over. The pale halo of her skin. The delicate frame. In her eyes I can see the world. I thought about her escaping the life sapping neons of the city. Traveling to lands unseen like shes always wanted. Pursuing her dreams. I thought about her asking me to go with her. Sharing her dreams. Her love of people. My love of seeing her with them.

(23 Nov)
This is my frozen world. Within this frozen world I'm able to walk freely and unnoticed. Nobody even knows that time has stopped. And that when it does start back again, the invisible joints would join seamless except for a slight shudder. Not unlike the feeling of someone walking over your grave.

(27 Jan)
I thought about what she'd seen. I thought about what she hadn't seen. I thought about how i could explain. But the more i thought about it, the more i knew that nothing I could say would ever make that anger go away. How long can I just wait there. Delaying the inevitable. I had sat there with the world on pause for two days and still had no solution had come. I had forgotten how fast everything was moving.

(12 Feb)
Once upon a time i wanted to know what love was. Love is there if you want it to be. You just have to see that its wrapped in beauty and hidden away in the seconds of your life.
And if you don't stop for a minute, you might lose it.