Wishful Thinking

"I do sincerely and solemnly state that henceforth and without further procrastinations or necessitated delays, I will no longer self indulgently and with a due sense of punctiliousness to the aforementioned resolutions, no longer put off doing, what really I could have done 5 minutes ago. Furthermore I will stop showing off by using unnecessary and superfluous words just to show my vocabulary."


1. Be nice to the fat cat. Not the one pictured above, who is a dude, but the other one, who hangs around my house like a lovesick adolescent. The cat who whines all night long. The same one who runs into empty car sheds and yowls neurotically. I will try not to tell her to fuck off. It's going to be hard.

2. Be patient in traffic jams. I grumble and swear, when the traffic stops moving and I realized this year that if I was stuck in a car with me and my patience of a two-year-old, I would throw me out of the car and lock the door. This is going to be hard too, because I enjoy hurling abuse from behind the windscreen (as long as the windows are rolled up) and consider myself quite fluent at it. It would be a waste of talent if I gave it up altogether. I'll still do it if I'm driving alone.

3. When I write down a phone number, I will also write down whose it is. My life is full of numbers on scraps of paper. Whose are they? Haven't a clue. I drive myself crazy

4. Next time I am out shopping, I wont let advertisers treat me as if I were Pavlov's Dog - remember the dog that was trained to salivate automatically every time a bell rang. There is a whole industry out there trying to make me buy stuff on impulse. I hereby pledge to be the true "Decider".

5. Stop interrupting people. I don't enjoy it when people do it to me and when I realize I've done it to someone else, I want to crawl in to a hole in shame. It's awful. So that I promise not to do that any more.

6. I resolve to quit drinking … coffee. Doesn't quite taste the same after beer.

7. I am drawn to the idea of making a product that I can sell. There is no reason for it. I could make perfectly fine living working at this company with awesome people, or try to do freelance work on contract. I am finding, though, that being a creator of things people can actually hold is enormously pleasing. It's feels like something primal, but it's possible that this is merely curiosity.

8. Make a "you-comment-i-reply" policy. From now on, I'll try to reply each and every comment given for my post. I got this idea when I ended up going back to the post I've commented to see whether it has been replied back or not.That means that "me" or in other words 'a reader' loved to be replied.Blogger has made this task easier by allowing my comments to be emailed.

I reckon I'll last a week at the most. This is why I never make resolutions.

Stagnant waters

It's been a complicated two months. There have been attempts to talk about it, what went wrong, why we needed certain things from each other, what we gave to each other, and what was missing. With the benefit of hindsight, things became more lucid. With the benefit of time, the truth didn't hurt as much. With the benefit of space, we each felt we could approach each other from a more neutral and objective standpoint.

It wasn't simple or easy. There were times of complete and utter closeness and understanding, followed by flashes of tempestuous anger and a desire to pull back and create distance. But through it all we reached an understanding, a break through of sorts: we finally learned about each other - the One True Thing we each needed from a relationship, and how whenever each of our priorities had become threatened, our relationship took a turn for the worse. Every single fight we've ever had has had its roots in it, and it was understanding that that really clarified things between us.

We talked more, in a way more openly than ever before. I think breaking up was the best thing that could have ever happened to us, because it gave us perspective, and untangled us from the inertia that kept two unhappy people together. Something wasn't right, like a fracture that didn't heal properly, and we needed a solid and painful break to try to make it better again.

That's not to say that things are at their absolute best, but we are trying to sort things out and see if there aren't fundamental issues that truly can't be crossed. There's good will between us again, but it's bound to be awkward at times, and occasionally volatile as sensitive topics and unresolved fundamental issues come to the forefront. In the meantime, I think the distance is good, because it will give each of us the space we need and the time to think things through while we live our lives independently, with her spending time with her friends, and cme with myself. And that's what I need right now: more time and space to think about things, and to make sure my steps are measured so I don't rush into anything.



Mood - One Headlight (Wallflowers)